Justifiable Homicide
You know when you're REALLY tired and on the verge of getting the flu and you need to sleep like Rip van Winkle? You know when you are achy and so tired your head hurts and you just want to get in to your jammies and hide under the covers? Now, imagine that you are this tired and just about anything that could keep you awake does keep you awake.Last night EVERYTHING, EVERYONE and EVERY animal conspired against me and I could not sleep a wink!!
I couldn't scream at the wind howling at gusts of up to 120 k/hour, the wind couldn't hear me. I couldn't punch back at the pounding rain hitting my drainpipes in violent spurts and spatters because it was too big a force - and come on - really.... (I did move the recycling bin because raindrops on the plastic were driving me batty after a while). I couldn't help but hear the obese cat on the neighbour's porch wheezing, gagging and conjuring up a hairball at 3 am over the screaming wind and rain.
I had Bunny Dog who decided there was no place on earth he would rather be than crawling all over me on the bed last night. I attempted to block out all sounds and irritating distractions which made me toss and turn. Bunny Dog decided to growl at me each time I tossed and to feign biting me when I turned. Yeah, that makes for a peaceful resting place. Each time I ejected him from the bed and pointed at his own - perfectly fine - dog bed a few feet away, he ignored me and hopped back on the bed. At one point he growled at me because I was using too much of the pillow and he had found a nice nesting place at the head of the bed.
I usually don't let Bunny dog get away with behaviour like this - I really don't. I do discipline that spoiled animal - I do. But I was tired and weary and knew that sleep would elude me last night - I wasn't thinking straight.
Even if all of those distractions were not present, I wouldn't have slept. There was an all-powerful energy too large for even Hercules to conquer. That of Cutie Pie's snoring.
Imagine lying there with a jackhammer, a bulldozer, a lawn-mower, a mosquito near your ear, a wheezing, gurgling Mr. Magoo... tormenting you. This snoring is unlike snoring joked about in comics and TV sitcoms - this is evil snoring. This is the kind of noise which makes deviated septum seem like hangnails. This noise is like an exorcist, a poltergeist, an unstoppable satanic, life-blood-sucking torture.
This is the type of snoring that would allow me to get off Scott free in a court of law because the judge and jury would immediately agree that putting an end to Cutie Pie and his snoring would constitute justifiable homicide.
Cutie Pie (whose name should be changed to Moon Pie - for so many reasons) and Bunny Dog BEWARE. I will take no prisoners the next night you keep me awake!
I will however, take the best feather comforter and go sleep on the guest bed in the loft. Now,.... why didn't I think of that last night???
posted by Brussels Confidential @ 9:15 AM
<< Home